She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
