i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Watching her eat just hurts me
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Randomize
