this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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