I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
