I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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