his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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