You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
