Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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