You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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