Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
