exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
