I want to have your abortion
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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