Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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