I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
