theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
