Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
