I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
