dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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