I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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