and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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