I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
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