This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
