my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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