Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
