A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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