I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
