So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
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I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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