My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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