hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
