Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Just invented taco cereal.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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