I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
He's on the porch naked. Help.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
