"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
