right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Randomize
