:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
