bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
It was a blind-side dick pic.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
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