guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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