I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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