This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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