I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
