A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
