you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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