apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
