I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Randomize
