They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
