I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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