So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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