Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
