all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
