theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
