eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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