wakey wakey hands off snakey
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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