The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
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