Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I want to be your penis for a week.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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