1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
