I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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