Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
